As every second passes we are hurled closer and closer to our inevitable meeting with the man in black. No not Johnny Cash, although that would be awesome, the other man in black that will escort you across the river styx on your path to enlightenment so you can make it to purgatory and see the magical wizard in the sky or some other nonsense you believe in. Regardless of what you believe, that point is you are getting old. The average age of gamers was recently announced to have increased to 35. This list is designed to see just how close you are to becoming a hometown buffet for worms.

Top 10 Signs You Are An Old Gamer:

1. Having logged onto a BBS to play the awesome variety of text adventures with an ASCII art splash screen. If you don’t know what BBS means stop reading and be content in the knowledge that you are very young.
2. Owning at least two consoles that require a coaxial cable is a sign. If you haven’t owned two or you have no idea what I am referring to than stop reading.
3. Owning any console with the word Atari printed on it. Yes it’s hard to believe, but Atari used to be the undisputed leader in home consoles.
4. The female yelling at you for spending too much time playing games now calls you “honey” instead of “son”.
5. You have never been carded by a pimply faced sixteen year old while buying an M rated game at GameStop, and you’ve also been asked who you are buying this game for.
6. You have played a game on a black and white screen smaller than 10 inches, and thought it looked incredible.
7. The first time you played a game with “Mario” it required barrel jumping and was played outside of your home.
8. At some point saving on a console seemed like a revolutionary idea to you.
9. Your lung capacity was at free diver levels because of the necessity to blow large amounts of air into a 1-inch wide slot.
10. Solid Snake from MGS4 looks more like your dad than your grandpa.

Scoring Guide:

Number of yes answers–

0-1: I guess the Pro-lifers are right and embryos are conscious and have the ability to read lame top 10 lists.

2-3: I’m surprised you’re even old enough to read this. I have renewed faith in the American educational system.

4-5: You’re about the age your parents were in the 70s when they stopped dropping acid, having sex with random strangers, and decided to sell their souls for a company car and a sweet benefits package. The Man’s only bad until you become him, right? Who needs ideals anyway.

6-7: I hate to have to tell you this but prostate exams are a part of life. You really need to grow up and start taking better care of yourself. I assure you the doctor takes no pleasure in what must be done. It’s probably nothing, just a “growing problem”.

8-9: Retirement is your reward for working your ass off all those years at that crappy job you hated. Just try to enjoy your handy-dandy retirement watch. It’s too late now to be bitter about the choices you made. Yeah, you probably should have worn that condom your big brother gave you, although shotgun weddings are a rip-roaring good time.

10: Congratulations, the mere fact you have lived this long is a testament to the modern medical system. You’ve accumulated so much valuable knowledge over your lifetime to share with the younger generations, but unfortunately young people today care about listening to it as much as you did when you would have answered yes to 2 or 3 statements in top 10 signs you’re becoming an old flapper (Please see my June 8th, 1925 article on flixnjoystix.com).